- To the one in one hundred guys who feels that the public loo is an appropriate location to start a new friendship; stop it, the other ninety nine percent are creeped out by your cheerful smile and happy banter. We don't want to talk, especially if we are holding our genitals at the time.
- Nose breathing is most definitely advised in stinky public washrooms. I don't know why; it just is.
- Peeing through the hole in the strangely blue urinal deodourizer is a recognized Olympic sport for 2016. Carry on.
- If I am standing at the end urinal and at least two others are free, do NOT pick the one next to me. The same rule applies to toilet cubicles, unless of course, the following rule has not been observed...
- When having a life-altering, mind-bending crap (and it's happened to us all), have the foresight to flush at the mid-point and again at the end to avoid that 'Battle of The Somme' aftermath we all hate opening the cubicle door to find.
- Never, EVER allow another man to see you gently and precisely placing toilet paper all around the seat before assuming the position...I mean really guys, c'mon.
- If you're the guy who can't hit the eighteen inch wide white bowl from two feet above it, do us all a favour and sit down to pee - nobody will ever know and it doesn't make you any less of a man.
- Gents - a little decorum please, grunting and groaning does not have to be a performance sport - strain with dignity.
- Farting at the urinal is an acceptable lapse in manners given the circumstances; unless of course that in order to do so, a leg is lifted - this constitutes unnecessary showboating and is to be avoided.
- Straining or heavy breathing at the urinal is most unsettling for fellow users. Please show some restraint, and anyway - what the hell?
- Spitting copious stringy oysters into the urinal or leaning one's forehead against the cool tiles is a practice restricted only to those with a demonstrable blood alcohol level over and above the drink-driving limit. Anything else is just ungentlemanly.
- Farting in mid-strain when in a cubicle requires no public apology; we all understand, brother.
- Managing (somehow) to get crap of any colour and consistency on the underside of the toilet seat is nothing to be proud of. Clean up your mess lads!
- Mobile phones must NOT be answered from within a cubicle - there are so many ways in which this is wrong.
- Soap dispensers will always be empty above a spreading pool of soap on the counter-top. Get over it.
- Before washing one's hands, pause to observe which one of the six automatic taps is actually working, and then form a line. Trying every one of the non-operational taps in turn is an exercise in stripping your dignity.
- Failing to wash your hands at all means that a) every guy is jealous of you for having the guts to do so, and b) every pair of eyes will follow you out of the facility.
- Gentlemen the sink is for the holding of water, try to keep it off the counter that we all lean against.
- A manual check of trouser flies before exiting the sanctum is mandatory to avoid unnecessary flashing of appalling underwear - or worse.
Public toilets or washrooms are strange places and in the course of my varied life I have visited many examples, including, on one or two uncomfortable occasions, the female version by mistake. Apart from the startling and injurious revelation that men's toilet facilities fall far short of those provided for the ladies, I have over the years come to regard some issues around male public ablution as law;
Grumpy middle aged git moaning about stuff and occasionally trying to be funny.