Pubes aside (what a strange thought - it would be weird to have pubes on my side), my body hair has always been, shall we say, restrained. I can grow a moustache and beard (just about, that is; if I strain heartily for half an hour each day) and there is a moderate, sensitively-sized clump of hair on my chest. Both of these features go a small way (only a small way) to draw attention away from my arms and legs. My arms do grow hair, but it is very fine and delicate, as if these limbs decided that this hair-growing business had gone quite far enough by the time I was about nine years old. Only a very few strands dare to creep down onto the backs of my hands, but I’m quite happy about that – there’s something a little weird about hairy hands.
My legs, however, have taken things to a new extreme. Once upon a time I had legs with hairs on them – not, as you will already have assumed, a vulgar quantity, but enough – however, time has changed that. Over the last fifteen years or so, the hairs on my legs have dwindled to little more than a passing nod at the principle. My thighs (never skinny) used to sport a few, but these days wearing ‘shorts’ which are anything but short means that they are rarely uncovered or free to curl outwards without being rubbed off by clothing fabric. The real mystery of hair loss lies below my knees (now there’s a sentence you don’t read every day), where my skin has completely given up any pretence of being mammalian, and has instead decided that hairs are a waste of time and effort. My lower legs are, effectively, bald.
This might excite the judges of body building competitions, or anyone with a very strange fetish for baldy male lower legs, but not me. I won’t be entering any body building events in this lifetime, and anyone with an unhealthy lust for my lower legs is likely to find themselves on the receiving end of a good kick. I feel a little bit like a freak of nature, and I’m reminded of the fact whenever I wear shorts (all the time in the current weather) and cross my legs, to be faced with an expanse of glistening, smooth skin. It’s not right, but I appear to be stuck with it.
So…what the HELL is suddenly going on with my knees? Why am I suddenly growing hairs out of them, and no other part of my legs? HELP!