What the HELL is the point of having a problem if there are no symptoms of having it? I mean, before I knew that I had this issue, I...well I suppose this is a bit self-explanatory now...didn't know that I had it, and was therefore at least 3.7% happier! Now, my happiness quotient has been lowered because I know that I have the problem - and lowered even more as a result of the knowledge that I can have a problem and yet be symptom-free! Following that logic, it's entirely possible - in fact, in the tradition of the true hypochondriac: more than probable - that I have EVERYTHING! Oh jeez...
This latest little batch of medical discoveries has served to heighten my senses to some of life's physical inconveniences, some of which I'd like to share with you in the hope that they may strike a chord and help me to feel that I'm not alone in my dreadful suffering. I'll break them down into categories as I perceive them:
MILD PAIN IN THE REAR:
- Why do toenails grow so quickly? I'll tell you why: the little fuckers KNOW that I can't reach them without getting out of breath and turning purple.
- The moustache hairs that grow not outward but upward into my nostrils. They are about seven in number. I hate them with a fierce passion reserved usually for drivers who don't indicate when they should (that's every Canadian driver, then).
- My sticky-outy left ear, which, having been damaged many moons ago through playing rugby, wakes me up at night with a painful throbbing sensation when it is fed up of being laid upon. Twat.
- The hairs at the back of my head (the ones that are left, anyway) which choose to grow faster than the rest and have the tendency to create a wig-like effect back there as they stick out and away from the top of my neck, making me look even more silly than I do anyway. Bastards.
MODERATE ACHE IN THE BUTTOCK REGION:
- Beard or moustache hairs which for some reason become hyper-sensitive to being touched. Even looking at them feels like having a sewing needle jabbed into the face. Totally unnecessary and unacceptable.
- Boogers which I know are up there and can't reach, yet which defy any blowing or sniffing efforts to remove them. Somehow they always interfere with the free flow of air in a way utterly disproportionate to their size. An excellent motivation for the development of micro-robots specifically for nose-picking duties.
- Itchy ears - specifically, that type of infuriating itchiness that is impossible to leave alone, and which I know will result in soreness and some minor oozing after I've rubbed it raw. Why does this happen? Can't they just itch once and let it go? No, they're possessed.
- While we're on itches: those gotta-get-it-now-or-it'll-kill-me itches that occur in the precise part of my back which is unreachable yet which still cause me to try anyway, resulting in a wrenching injury which in turn nicely complements the old rotator cuff silliness and makes the arm useless for half an hour or so. Thanks.
- Knees which absolutely refuse to allow me to kneel upon them. A strange one, this, because it doesn't feel like a joint thing - it feels like a soft-tissue-around-the-joint thing. I can't kneel down on a hard surface (in fact soft surfaces are dodgy, too) for longer than thirty seconds without the pain reaching really obnoxious levels. Knees which are no good for kneeling upon are starting to walk upon thin ice, if you ask me.
- Paper cuts - one question: why? That is all.
TOTAL PAIN THE ARSE:
- Being unable (as I've just discovered) to easily process gluten, which makes my favourite food in the world- regular soft, white bread - completely off limits. Utter, utter BASTARDY of an order never yet experienced by another human being. Pastry is right out, too. More evidence that there is no God.
- Eyes which continue to slowly reduce their efficiency levels, and currently at the point where I am effectively 'between prescriptions'. The upshot is that I'm stuck wearing two pairs of spectacles - one on my head and one on my eyes - and neither of them works particularly well. This is especially 'helpful' at work, when I frequently need to looking at a close-to-me computer screen and then switch to documentation two feet further away (stuck to a wall - don't ask because I can't be bothered explaining) and I end up always with the wrong specs on, squinting and blinking and cursing in equal measure. Come on eyes: get a fucking grip.
- Hangnails - the most annoying things on the planet, excepting - possibly - Donald Trump. They're so tiny, yet so incredibly aggravating. Before being yanked out (i.e. too small to get a grip of, even with tweezers) they catch on EVERYTHING just to remind you that they're there, the little swine. Then, once summarily removed (whether by teeth or aforementioned tweezers/pliers), they hurt like bloody hell for a week or so before everything calms down again (assuming it does so without liberal applications of antiseptic ointments and unctures).
I know that I've been fortunate to get to this age without having to suffer from anything immediately life-threatening (although I suppose type 1 diabetes is reasonably significant), and I don't wish to make light of anyone's suffering. But bloody hell, bodies can be annoying, can't they?